Thursday, September 6, 2012

Wayback Playback: Life Lessons

I'm being kind of a half-assed blogger these days, sorry! I've got a few weeks left of Operation: Try Again and I'm spending most of my free time running or cooking. Oh, what an exciting life I lead! To keep you interested (Hahaha! Oh, how I flatter myself!) I'm digging through the archives of a now-abandoned journal for some of my old faves. This was originally posted on February 9, 2008 when stick-figure drawings were all the rage. If you watch the X Factor (and I don't, but the promos are unavoidable), when you see Britney, remember this:

*sigh* AGAIN?

(Image from:

Look, I know the poor girl has been going through a tough time and all, but for Christ's sake, will someone please buy her sorry ass some fucking pants?

Dear Britney,

It seems that, yet again, you have inflicted your vagina on the unsuspecting public while performing the relatively simple (for most of us) act of getting out of a car. Perhaps I can help. Seriously girl, buy some fucking pants. I know you're running out of money, but there are plenty of retailers that have plenty of pants in plenty of styles and colours to fit every budget. Find some. In the meantime, since you seem opposed to protecting what tiny shred of dignity you might have left by wearing said pants, let's see if we can avoid any more "The World is Your Gynecologist" episodes, shall we?

First, let's examine (pardon the pun) what you're doing wrong. When you exit a car, you're splaying yourself like a sleazy, drunken starfish, which results in this:

Now, I realize that your momma is a piece of trailer trash herself, so she didn't done learned you no better. Fear not, I will be your guide.

1. Before you get IN the car, pull your skirt down so that your Brit-bits are not touching the seat fabric. There should be complete coverage of the ass by the skirt. You are now halfway to a successful exit.
2. When you arrive at the crack house your final destination, before you even open the car door, check to make sure that your skirt is still down. Aim for the knees.
3. Put your knees AND ankles together, and open the door.

You should look like this:

4. With knees and ankles STILL together and legs working as a single, cohesive unit, pivot and lower your feet to the ground outside the car:

5. Stand up.

Congratulations!  You have successfully exited a car without exposing your no-no bits to the hoards of photographers dogging your every move as you spiral downward into total madness. Go celebrate! Not with drugs and alcohol, you've had enough of those for two lifetimes. Have a bucket of fried chicken or something. You're welcome!


Unknown said...

Thanks for ruining it for everybody! What if Lindsay Lohan reads this? Then where the world be?

You just could help yourself, could you? Well, I hope you're happy now!

The Smirking Cat said...

"Brit-bits", that left me chuckling through the rest of your post and hysterical diagrams.