Top 5 reasons to hate the Apple Store

I started to place an order for my mom's birthday present weeks ago, way back when shipping was free and there was plenty of time for it to get here. And then I forgot all about it. When I noticed it was still in the shopping cart last night, and when I was done with a long stream of obscenities, I tried to complete the order and learned that to even have a chance at it arriving in time I'd have to pay nearly 50% of the price of the item for shipping. And on time delivery wasn't guaranteed. Cue more swearing.

OK, so it was clearly my own fault for spacing out. The Husband reminded me that I could buy it or something similar at the Apple Store. I reminded him that I *hate* shopping at the Apple Store. I'd rather have my toenails pulled out with pliers than shop there. I tried the Apple Online Store instead, thinking if it was in stock I could pay the penance of slightly higher shipping rather than the exorbitant fees of the first retailer I tried and all would be right with the world. Have you used the search function in the Apple Online Store lately? It sucks. Which forced me to make a trip to the store. You know, the one I hate. And here's why...

Top 5 reasons to hate the Apple Store

1. The lousy design of the online shopping experience forces you to go there to risk the dreaded upsell and generally be annoyed. You'd think a company like APPLE would have the e-commerce experience nailed. But not so much.
2. It's a fucking hipster community center. At any time of day the place is filled with dudes in goofy hats with stupid facial hair dicking around on Apple products you know they probably already have at home. Don't these people have jobs? Why is the place so bloody crowded in the middle of the goddamn afternoon? Oh, that's right. It's because you can attempt to check out any time you'd like, but it's damn near impossible so you can never leave.
3. They have dispensed with the hopelessly uncool cash registers so there is no place to form a line. With no line, there is no order. Nobody knows who is next, and you have to wade through a sea of douchebags asking questions about hardware they don't understand the answers to anyway when all you want to do is pay for your merchandise and go. It took me less than a minute to find what I wanted, and then another TEN MINUTES to find someone in a blue shirt to take my damn money.
4. The iPhone checkout thing is a pain in the ass. I was using what was left on a gift card before it expired and putting the rest on debit. To use the gift card, I had to know *exactly* how much was left on it. Luckily it was written on the back of the card, because their fancy little iPhone app can't check that fairly important bit of information. Turns out that phone is not so smart after all. HA!
5. When the hipster douchebags get tired of hanging out at the Apple Store all day for free, they apply to work there. So you end up having your order checked out by someone with stupid facial hair and hat head who says "Like" a lot and wants to give you a hug. It should come as a surprise to no one to learn that I am NOT a hugger.

In my line of sight right now there is the gift for my Mom, an iPod, an iPad, an iPhone and a MacBook. And that's not all of our Apple devices. After my most recent Apple Store experience, I'm not quite sure how any of them ended up here. Have you been to an Apple Store lately? Did the experience leave you as exasperated as I am? I'm planning to add this link to my customer feedback form, so feel free to unload in the comments.

Things I forgot about pregnancy #9

I was minding my own business sitting on the couch one night before bed when IT began. It starts with a gentle warmth in the chest and before you know it, BOOM! Molten fucking lava starts making its way up the esophagus. They call it heartburn, and boy does it ever! At times I feel as though it has made it all the way up to my ears.

I had a few brief episodes with M but it wasn't that bad and I know I'm not romanticizing because The Husband confirms that I bitched about it way, way less with her. I do all the things "they" say to avoid it. My diet is blander than a toddler's, I don't eat anything after 7:00, I (try to) sleep propped up, and still every night about 10:00 the home fires start burning. I'm popping Gaviscon like there's no tomorrow. I should buy some stock in the shit. If the old wives tale about heartburn and hairy babies is true, I'm growing orangutan.

How many weeks to go? Too many, but thanks for asking!

I'M FREE

I just worked my last day before Mat Leave. I'm not set to return until June 9, 2014. I'll spend the next two weeks living a life of leisure before buckling down and doing the final touches to get ready for this baby. It's weird, this feeling of not thinking about what needs to be done at work. To instead focus on all the things that need to be done for my growing family.

But first! I'm taking some vacation. For the next two weeks I'm a lady who lunches. I'm going shopping. I'm having massages and pedicures. I'm on the payroll at work for a little while longer and it's my last chance to relax for... ever, really. I'm going to have two small children underfoot. Not quite sure the reality of that has completely sunken in... I'm looking forward to the rest, but I'm looking forward to meeting this wriggly little guy even more.