Sunday, March 30, 2008

It's for Science, Man!

Days Late: 6
Tests Taken So Far: 4 (3 limply-Pos, 1 decidedly-Neg)

Theory: Clearblue Digital may be sophisticated, but it's not that accurate...

Hypothesis: Other, much cheaper HPTs give you a better answer because they rely on simple chemical reaction, rather than hocus-pocus bullshit (paraphrased from my husband).

This Lady is kind of my hero. I fully admit that I'm ripping off her schtick here, but I have GOT to conduct my own experiments. I'm a "believe it when I see it" kind of girl.

Every single ad for home pregnancy tests claims that their test gives you an answer the soonest. "Up to FOUR days before your expected period!", they claim. "Doesn't matter what time of day you test!", they say. Truth is, they're only really effective when you're already a week late, and it really is best to use your first pee of the day because the hormone level will be the most concentrated. They just tell you that you can test early and whenever in the day because that will give more false negatives. And then you'll buy more pregnancy tests. I'm a fucking genius! (she exclaims, as she's dropped about $100 herself...)

Just shy of a week late, because I am very, very impatient and I just don't have time for this kind of experiment on a Monday morning, I've put them to the test. I've dipped the First Response test (that has yielded 3 Pos so far), the Most Sophisticated Piece of Technology I'll Ever Pee on, and the cheapest drugstore-brand piece of crap I could find in the same cup of first-thing in the morning pee, as per the instructions in the package. All claim results are accurate within 3-4 minutes, and to disregard the results after 10 minutes. The photographs below are the status after 5 minutes.

#1 First Response, 3 Pos so far (Test #5)

The Result:

Second line, but it's still very, very faint. Dammit.

#2 Clearblue Digital, The Most Sophisticated yada yada yada, 1 Neg so far (Test #6)

The Result:

Still "Not Pregnant". Dammit!

#3 The $7 Store Brand (Test #7)

The Result:

OK, it's the first time I've used this one. And it's negative. Dammit.

Dammit, dammit dammit! Now, I must change my theory.

The only brand of test that gives me a positive is First Response. Perhaps their design is flawed? Now that I've blown April's grocery budget on tests, it's time to call in the big guns. That's right, I'm calling the doctor and arranging a blood test.

Friday, March 28, 2008

The First Test (or 10)

Hi! My name is Julia, and I am a pessimist.

I'd try to change, but frankly, I'm a much happier person when I keep my expectations low. Because I am a pessimist, when I was walking home from work on Wednesday, I decided to pick up a pregnancy test. You see, I'd been having Girly Issues for a few days, and I was a day late. I figured as soon as the negative pregnancy test was in my hands my period would start, thus bringing my discomfort to an end.

Except it wasn't negative.

As a matter of fact, yes I *DID* just upload a picture of a stick I pee'd on to the internet at large. My mother would be so proud. Anyway...

As you can see (or maybe you can't, I have eyes like a hawk), there is a very faint line second line in the window.
Naturally, I assumed a line so faint couldn't possibly be a positive test. Naturally, a call to the Registered Nurse at the 1-800 line included with the test assured me I was wrong. They might as well just name it the "Yes, it's Positive" line.

Remember that pessimist bit? Yes. Well. My husband and I (OK, mostly me) needed more reassurance that it really was a positive test. Fine, fair enough. Off to the drugstore we went to buy "The Most Sophisticated Piece of Technology You'll Ever Pee On". And what did it say?

(Not Pregnant, for those of you who can't read blurry, over-zoomed text. I'd fix it, but I'm really quite lazy).

Well, what the fuck? The lady at the "Yes, it's Positive" line assured me that even a faint second line means the test is positive. How DARE the most sophisticated piece of technology I've ever pee'd on offer a dissenting opinion! Of course, I did the only thing a sane, rational person would do! (Remember, a whole 2 days late at this point...)

I took another test later the same day:

Positive, but not positive enough for my tastes.

And another one the following morning:

Also positive. Also not positive enough for my tastes.

As you can see, I started numbering them so I could keep track of which pee'd-upon stick I was photographing to share with the world at large. You're starting to figure out that I'm maybe a little bit crazy at this point, aren't you? You'll be well served keeping that in mind as we go forward.

So here we are, I'm now 4 days late and we STILL don't have a definitive answer. Just wait 'till you see the scientific experiment I've dreamed up for this weekend!