Friday, September 28, 2012

Ballerina Growl

The Parasite started a ballet class a couple of weeks ago. For the first time in an organized class she has attended, no parents are allowed in the room to minimize distractions. That leaves us out in the hallway, just a bunch of strangers trying to make small talk. We live in the same neighbourhood and have kids about the same age so there is at least a shred of commonality. But once you finish talking about the weather and the trials and tribulations of school registration, there's a lot of awkward silence. While you're not in the room with the kids, you can't go too far away either. So you're stuck there, sitting across a narrow hallway from people you may or may not have any interest in engaging in a conversation.

I'm learning things about myself as I sit in that hallway. Specifically, I'm learning that I'm not very friendly. OK, I already knew that, but I always thought I'd be able to fake it for the good of my offspring. Nope. I don't like most people on the best of days, so you can imagine how chipper I am on a Saturday morning when I had to get up and out the door early with a preschooler who inherited her father's inability to hurry the fuck up. I feel like a better mom would be ensuring her daughter's social status by arranging playdates and exchanging witty banter with the other parents. Alas, my poor kid is going to have to navigate those wilds herself as I busy myself with my phone. Luckily she's very cute and friendly herself, so she's got a pretty good shot at making it on her own.

Life with a Parasite has been nominated for the Circle of Moms Top 25 Canadian Mom Blogs. Please vote for me. You can vote once a day until October 11th. Thank you in advance!

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Operation Try Again: The Final Recap

As I dug out my sweaters and proper shoes this weekend it became apparent that summer is over. That means Operation: Try Again has come to a close. Let's see how things went:
  1. Take the summer off. Done! The Husband and I reconnected over the summer with weekly date nights at home and a lower-stress sex life environment. I think we're all a lot happier for it.
  2. Lose 20 pounds by the end of the summer. As of this morning, 100% DONE! The official weigh-in day was on Sunday and I didn't make it all the way to the finish line, but I have confirmed today that missed mark was brought to us by the letters P, M and S. 
  3. Acupuncture twice a week. Done. We'll find out soon enough if it has done anything, but I can say the time alone in total silence has been very refreshing.
  4. Professional help with the needle phobia. The clinic requires updates of all blood work at least 30 days in advance of a medicated cycle. 9 - NINE - vials. I didn't even gasp when she accidentally moved the needle switching vials. I go back to the dentist on Saturday for two fillings. I am not nervous about it at all. Now I'm kind of mad at myself for waiting so long to call in the pros.
How has Operation: Try Again changed my life? Everything I adopted as part of this process is for the better. I was overeating and overdrinking, so now I measure portions to keep myself in check and have cut back dramatically on the wine. We still go for family ice cream once in a while, I just have a kids' scoop in a cup. I eat a rainbow just about every day. I've incorporated regular exercise into my daily life, but I've also just become more active in general. I take the stairs to and from the subway for a total of an extra 12 flights of stairs a day on weekdays. I leave the office at lunch time to clear my head and get in a walk, even if it's a short one. When my step count is low, I go for a walk after dinner. I'm working up my run pace a little more every week, and I'm making it all the way through bootcamp without gasping for air.

Yes, there's the positive effect of losing weight (20!) but the real benefit is the boost in energy. I'm healthier, I'm fitter and I just generally feel better. I take The Parasite to the park on the way home from daycare more often than not. Dinner can wait a few more minutes, it's more important to me for her to see physical activity as an important part of daily life.

Now I just need to find a time when The Husband and I will be in the same city at the same time at the moment of truth to start another cycle. Oh, and work up the nerve but I really think I'm going to be OK with it, and I haven't felt like I was going to be OK for quite a while. In the meantime, and since there has been so many positives I'm launching Operation: Momentum.

The goals are:
  1. Keep up the increased everyday activity and participate in regular exercise (running, aquafit, yoga, strength training, etc.) a minimum of three, but preferably four, times a week.
  2. Lose another 15 pounds by the end of the year. I know from experience that things get harder after the initial drop and the holiday season will be a factor, so I want to keep things realistic.
  3. Do something fun, as a family, outside, at least once a month. If the weather doesn't hold, find something indoors that promotes an active lifestyle instead.
Why yes, I will be keeping you updated on the progress in my usual sporadic fashion, and thanks for asking!

Life with a Parasite has been nominated for the Circle of Moms Top 25 Canadian Mom Blogs. Please vote for me. You can vote once a day until October 11th. Thank you in advance!

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Circle of Moms Top 25 Candian Mom Blogs

Life with a Parasite has once again been nominated for the Circle of Moms Top 25 Canadian Mom Blogs. I'm so very flattered, and would be even more so if you could take a moment whenever you think of it to cast your vote for me (currently #9)! You can vote once a day between now and October 11th.

Thanks for reading, and for your support!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

The one where she talks about rock bottom

I've never struggled with addiction or mental illness, so I have no personal familiarity with the place known as rock bottom. I hope I never do. But you know who does? Kermit THE Frog. See his story here:

This years old video was brought to you by a desire to participate in GBE2's Week #70 word prompt, Bottom, in spite of a wretched, kid-delivered cold. For more info about GBE2, click here

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Operation Try Again: Week 10

There's two weeks left of Operation: Try Again. I'm pleased to report that at the dentist a couple of weeks ago I didn't flinch or even grip the chair when the needle went in. I didn't enjoy it or anything but it wasn't completely terrifying, so it looks like the EMDR did its thing.

I'm 75% of the way there on the weight loss goal, though last night's salty dinner may be affecting the result a little bit. Even so, five pounds in two weeks is pretty aggressive a couple of months into a program. I was feeling pretty bummed about the possibility of not making it to the finish line in time. And then I realized that if I set out to lose 20 pounds by the end of the summer and only lose 18.3, that's not exactly a failure. Oh noes! I might take until the end of September instead!

Maybe that "Own Worst Critic" thing should make the self-improvement list next time around. Seriously, I'm doing the Ease Into 5K app and it's taking a little longer than the nine weeks the program suggests. OK, a lot longer. At this rate I should be eased into 5K after about 24 weeks. And who gives a shit? I'm running a lot faster and a lot longer than I was a couple of months ago, because zero isn't that hard to beat.

Next up: BootCamp starts tomorrow!

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Wayback Playback: Life Lessons

I'm being kind of a half-assed blogger these days, sorry! I've got a few weeks left of Operation: Try Again and I'm spending most of my free time running or cooking. Oh, what an exciting life I lead! To keep you interested (Hahaha! Oh, how I flatter myself!) I'm digging through the archives of a now-abandoned journal for some of my old faves. This was originally posted on February 9, 2008 when stick-figure drawings were all the rage. If you watch the X Factor (and I don't, but the promos are unavoidable), when you see Britney, remember this:

*sigh* AGAIN?

(Image from:

Look, I know the poor girl has been going through a tough time and all, but for Christ's sake, will someone please buy her sorry ass some fucking pants?

Dear Britney,

It seems that, yet again, you have inflicted your vagina on the unsuspecting public while performing the relatively simple (for most of us) act of getting out of a car. Perhaps I can help. Seriously girl, buy some fucking pants. I know you're running out of money, but there are plenty of retailers that have plenty of pants in plenty of styles and colours to fit every budget. Find some. In the meantime, since you seem opposed to protecting what tiny shred of dignity you might have left by wearing said pants, let's see if we can avoid any more "The World is Your Gynecologist" episodes, shall we?

First, let's examine (pardon the pun) what you're doing wrong. When you exit a car, you're splaying yourself like a sleazy, drunken starfish, which results in this:

Now, I realize that your momma is a piece of trailer trash herself, so she didn't done learned you no better. Fear not, I will be your guide.

1. Before you get IN the car, pull your skirt down so that your Brit-bits are not touching the seat fabric. There should be complete coverage of the ass by the skirt. You are now halfway to a successful exit.
2. When you arrive at the crack house your final destination, before you even open the car door, check to make sure that your skirt is still down. Aim for the knees.
3. Put your knees AND ankles together, and open the door.

You should look like this:

4. With knees and ankles STILL together and legs working as a single, cohesive unit, pivot and lower your feet to the ground outside the car:

5. Stand up.

Congratulations!  You have successfully exited a car without exposing your no-no bits to the hoards of photographers dogging your every move as you spiral downward into total madness. Go celebrate! Not with drugs and alcohol, you've had enough of those for two lifetimes. Have a bucket of fried chicken or something. You're welcome!

Monday, September 3, 2012

Family Vacation

I just got back from a week up at Blue Mountain with The Husband and The Parasite. What an awesome family vacation! Our little water baby has gotten over her fear of jumping into the pool, aided by my friend's slightly older daughter doing it 100 times with gusto while they visited. The Husband and I took a hike up the mountain and felt mighty pleased with ourselves in spite of the soreness and fatigue. The whole time we were thinking it was a good thing The Parasite was in the kid's program for the day because there was no way she'd be able to do it. And then we learned she already had with the rest of the kids. So we accomplished as much as our three year old did... That kid of mine, FEARLESS!

We had one of the resort condos which gave us space to spread out while providing a shitload of savings because we made our own food. Savings we promptly used on things like dinner out one night at the resort's nicest restaurant and a day trip to the Scandinave Spa while we took advantage of the resort-approved sitters and kid's club. It was a perfect blend of adventure and relaxation and now I'm totally chilled and refreshed. And totally not interested in going back to work tomorrow. But back I will go so we can have another family vacation in the winter. Now that traveling with The Parasite is more fun than exhausting, I can't wait!