Tuesday, June 26, 2012

A Letter to the Dentist

Dear Dentist,

We do this silly dance every time I visit. Why do you think I never come to see you? Jesus, you're worse than my grandmother (God rest her soul) with the nagging and the questions. Like "How often do you floss?" Are we talking in the weeks immediately leading up to my appointment, or the rest of the time? Because the answer to that question varies depending on the scenario. The former is every day and twice on Sundays, the latter is whenever there's a piece of popcorn lodged between my teeth. And I don't eat popcorn very often.

Can we skip the lecture, please? I'm really not down with the notion of paying someone to give me grief, especially when you should so clearly see it coming.

Let's get real here... Anyone who tells you they floss every day, twice a day, without fail? Is lying to you. Now I know someone is going to comment that they do floss, every day, without fail, and have since they were a toddler. I'm not going to call them a liar outright, but I'm going to think it and view everything they say from now on with more than a soupcon of suspicion.

You know virtually nobody flosses as often as they're supposed to, and because I just shed a lot of blood at the hands of your hygienist, you know I'm one of the abstainers. The script never varies. You'll tell me I need to floss more often, and I'll lie as best I can through unflossed teeth and promise that I will. We both know nothing is going to change. But please, I'm begging, stifle the condescension in your tone. It was hard enough for me to come here on a beautiful day, let's not make it even more unpleasant. 

a.k.a., The Girl With The Serious Case of Dentophobia Who Does Not Need Your Shit Today


Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh. This is so weird. I went to the dentist today and there was a temp hygienist who gave me a freaking symposium on dental hygiene. We had the flossing discussion. Oh wait she have the flossing lecture, along with pointers on how to brush and where to google a good deal on water piks and fluoride rinse. Enough already. Then the dentist came in and said I have good teeth, see ya in 6 months. Flossing will help. Love him. Her? Well she just needs to tone it down a couple of degrees.

kellen said...

don't we just hate dentist with their never ending questions

Unknown said...

I looked at my dentist once and said look. I have bad teeth my parents spent a fortune to make them straight and I didn't maintain. I don't brush, floss or do anything like I should. I have high stress and that doesn't help, just shake your finger at me and be done with it. The rest won't change me at this point.

Catch My Words said...

Trust me, floss everyday. Your visits will be a lot more pleasant. Also, you'll have the bonus of getting to keep your teeth. :)