Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Dear Duchess of Cambridge

Ooph, that's mouthful. Mind if I just call you Kate? I mean, I'm from the colonies so we're practically family.

Congratulations on your new addition! You were going to hold off until Christmas to make your announcement to clear the first trimester, so I think we're due around the same time. That's just awesome. That hyperemesis gravidarum is a bitch, eh? I take no joy in your misery but it is small comfort to know that pregnancy is the great leveller. No amount of money can make the physical effects suck less.

You're resting in hospital now so I won't take too much of your time. You know what would be a great idea? A joint baby shower. I know it's a second baby for me, but I think it's important for you to have a mentor in this process so I'm happy to break protocol to make that happen for you.

Could you do me a favour? It's also not customary to invite men to a baby shower, but I feel like these minor etiquette lapses are probably overlooked for you. Can you invite your brother in law? Preferably drunk and shirtless. He can bring a friend if that would make him feel more comfortable. How about his Vegas swimming buddy, Ryan Lochte? Also clothing optional.

I know I'm married and can't touch, but looking would do plenty for my spirits. Please do give the idea some thought. I think we can totally make this work.

Call me anytime to discuss!