Tuesday, June 12, 2012

All else failed

The last round of fertility treatments was unsuccessful. A failed round is easier to take than a successful one that ends in failure, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't disappointing. Successive rounds are more likely to work because with each failed cycle they learn something new. For example, we learned my body doesn't absorb the progesterone suppositories they prescribe in the second half of the cycle to counteract the follicle stimulating drugs they prescribe in the first half. At first I was happy with this news because the more they know, the more they can do to help. But then I realized if we had known this back in February, I might be 5 months pregnant right now. That is a really bitter pill to swallow.

Fixing this means more injections. Intramuscular injections of progesterone every morning, to be specific. For 3 to 6 months. Like most things in life, there are no guarantees that it will work. I went for a teaching session yesterday to learn how to prep the HUGE needles. I'll let you in on a little secret... I am tough as nails, but I am terrified of needles. I held it together until after we got The Parasite to bed, and then I had the mother of all meltdowns. The Husband bore the brunt of it. I have so much hurt and resentment and anger and I have nowhere else to put it.

It has been a year of testing and treatment, poking and prodding, disappointment and heartbreak. I have nothing to show for it but battle scars. Angry expressions of frustration and hurt have taken up residence where love and support should be. This process has put a hole in our little bubble of happiness. Our beautiful little girl deserves an intact family, even if it is a smaller one than we hoped for. If you think that means we're giving up on growing our family, you're absolutely right. It's not worth destroying our marriage and breaking up our daughter's home.

In the immortal words of Marcellus Wallace, I'm pretty fucking far from OK. The uncertainty is over and we can focus on healing our broken hearts and moving on. It's going to be a long, hard road to get to fine, but at least we're determined to get there together.


Jess said...

I am so sorry to hear this. I hope it cheers you to know that I have recently stumbled upon your blog, and I love your way with words. Keep writing, even through the tough times...it will help heal you x

Storm, The Psychotic Housewife said...

It sucks rocks and those needles are from hell. :( Hang in there!

Catch My Words said...

I'm so sorry. I know that must be frustrating. Hopefully, something will work.


Unknown said...

Every time I read a post about your trials of getting pregnant I just want to send you a drink. It has only been recently with people close to me having fertility issues that it is a much bigger problem than I thought. At one point in my life I remember a physician stopping his OBGYN practice in lieu of a fertility practice. I thought he would not have business, but he is the busiest doctor in that building now.

My prayers are with you, but just cherish the blessing you have.