Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Begin to start

The fertility treatments are underway. As a woman in her late 30s who delayed marriage and children until my career was established and my party days were over, I am officially a cliche. Onward! I was out of town when I should have been learning how to inject my medication. This was a point of GREAT concern for the staff at the fertility clinic. Eventually I managed to convince them I'd be able to figure it out on my own from written instructions, but just to be on the safe side they directed me to YouTube. Well, I'll be damned! There ARE instructions for everything on YouTube! You can watch the video if you want to, but allow me to save you some time:
  1. Put pointy thing on end of pen
  2. Jab pointy thing into clean skin
  3. Push button

They spend a whole lot of time instructing you to ensure the dose is correct. "Make sure you've got the correct dose. If you don't have the right dose, dial the needle until you do. If you have gone too far, go back! If you accidentally give yourself too much medication, you're kinda fucked but be sure to call your doctor anyway." I'm thinking if there are people seeking treatment who are too stupid to turn a dial on a pen to the correct spot that is quite clearly marked, perhaps we shouldn't be helping them reproduce...

I knew fertility drugs were expensive, but $486 for a FOUR DAY SUPPLY? Holy shit! Thankfully The Husband and I have company drug plans that cover it, but we're going to max out our lifetime limit of coverage pretty quickly at this rate. I'm sure Kid 2.0 will be worth the money and the effort, but I still think it's CRAZY. I'm supposed to believe the clinic doesn't mark up the drugs at all, but that's a little hard to take when I can Tweet from the waiting room using free WiFi.

From a friend with bad plumbing and good nails.
Knowing me like you do (which for most of you is not at all, but let's not sweat the small stuff...) you have to know I have found something funny about the morning ritual. For those new to infertility, if you don't laugh you'll cry so you might as well laugh. You're welcome! Every morning I have an ultrasound with what Naked Mommy has affectionately dubbed "The Dildo Cam." Every morning a strange woman, who usually doesn't introduce herself, orders me to undress and proceeds to poke and prod at my navel. From the inside. But that's not what I find funny about the whole ordeal. After she's done, there's usually a big production about leaving the room while I get dressed. You know, for privacy. I think we're a little past the point of modesty once you've fucked me with a lubeless wand before my morning coffee. But if it makes you feel better, by all means, feel free to leave the room while I retrieve my knickers.


Just Jane said...

OMG! Wow. That' That's one way to start your day *laughing* and then *crying* and then *laughing maniacally*.

Anonymous said...

Lubeless? That's not cool! Maybe you need better insurance if you want lube. Or bring your own?

Seriously, lube is standard here. It doesn't interfere with dildo cam in any way. BYO next time.

Kyla @ Mommys Weird said...

Wow. I just learned a whole lot of "whoa", "No" and "really?"

Christina Majaski said...

Omg. None of that sounds fun. Sorry. Who invented that evil shit anyhow?

The Host said...

@JustJane, yup. Some people get breakfast in bed. I most decidedly to not.

@Tortoise Mom, the lack of lube isn't about the u/s, it's because lube hurts swimmers. Men and their god damn sperm! It's a miracle we have survived as a species.

@Kyla, yeah, it's good times. I aim to be a fountain of knowledge for the masses! :)

@Christina, men. That is all.

Anonymous said...

She could at least buy you dinner first.

Playoutsidegal said...

why don't they just rent you a dildo cam and ultrasound machine so you can do it yourself if you have to do it that often? could be fun! GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!! not with getting your own dildo cam, but with the baby business n all. then you can call your kids thing 1 and thing 2 or more like parasite 1 and parasite 2. : )