Saturday, May 7, 2011

Always a Bridesmaid...

A couple of weeks ago, The Huband told me the good news - friends of his, who are now friends of mine I guess, are expecting. They're due in the fall. And I smiled and because I'm happy for them and YAY! babies are great. But there was a little pang of jealously because dammit! I want to be the one sharing the good news.

Tonight I had dinner with one of my best friends. One of the real inner circle. She'd been dealing with her own fertility struggles for quite some time. But not anymore! She's also due in the fall. And I smiled and whooped and hugged because I'm so very happy for her and YAY! babies are great. And there was another little pang of jealously because dammit! I want to be the one sharing the good news.

And then I felt like a totally shitty person because that's just so unfair. I'm being a spoiled child. This is a friend who is closer to me than just about any member of my family. And I am truly thrilled for her. She has wanted this baby for so very long and she was a wonderful and supportive friend to me in everything I went through in growing The Parasite. I feel the wonder and joy every day of being her mother. To be jealous of someone that doesn't yet know how awesome that feels? Well, fuck. That's just petty.

I feel like a bad person and a bad friend for letting any of my own feelings take away from joy that I feel for her. It's very conflicting to feel so very happy for someone else and yet so very sorry for yourself. But hey, tonight I can have a(nother) drink to numb the feelings, and she can't. Silver linings everywhere!