Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Waterboarding of the Uterus

Yesterday marked Day One, thus beginning my diagnostic cycle at the fertility clinic. First up, the Day 3 ultrasound to see how many eggs I have left in the hopper. As the Doctor was quick to point out, my eggs have been kicking around for 36 years so they're practically fossilized. It will also serve as part one of the Echovist procedure, what I affectionately refer to as waterboarding of the uterus. The link gives better details but basically they're going to flood my uterine cavity and fallopian tubes with sugar-water solution to see if there's any scar tissue blocking the tubes or preventing implantation.

The same doctor who told me I had dinosaur eggs also told me the waterboarding is "quick and painless." Naturally since he called me old I think he's an asshole and don't take his word for shit. Good thing too, because the instructions tell me to set aside "at least an hour" for the procedure, and take a couple of preemptive Advils and the rest of the day off work. That one is scheduled for Friday afternoon. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to this "quick and painless" bit of joy.

I won't be in it alone, however. I'm an independent woman and all that but if I'm having my uterus turned into a fucking water balloon to bear another one of HIS children, the least The Husband can do is hold my hand and give me a ride home. I also think making me dinner is in order but I don't want to push my luck. If I ever do end up having this next kid, I don't even know how I'm going to make them repay me...