Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Just when I had it all figured out

The thing with grief is that you never know when or where it's going to hit you. You're bopping along thinking everything is OK and then there's a little reminder of what should have been. I thought I was doing much better, and not just physically. In fact, I was pretty sure I was fine.

And then WHAM! While tidying up and gathering the recycling, The Husband found the invitation to a wine tasting that we declined because I was pregnant. That's bound to happen. Adjust course, move on. Self, this is not a big deal. It was a Rhone Valley tasting anyway, and those are hit and miss at best.

And then WHOOSH! I knew one colleague in my cube of four was pregnant, but then I found out another one is too. She's due a few weeks before I would have been, so I get to see what I'm missing out on from six feet away, 40 hours a week. Deeeeeep breath. OK self, pull it together, you can do this.

And then WHACK! My father-in-law said our little girl is so wonderful, we should get working on another one. How sweet! Oh, fuck. Here come the waterworks! Come on, self. Dry off, suck it up, don't let your kid see you like this.

I worked from home today because I got a head's up that the big pregnancy announcement was coming, but I can't hide at home forever waiting to feel less fragile. We worked really hard to get pregnant and then we lost the baby. That's bound to leave a mark, and not one that's going to go away in a matter of days or maybe even weeks. I don't know how much time it's going to take, and I do know the only thing that's going to make it better IS time. I can't make that pass any faster. Anyone have any really great tips to hide the puffy eyes of crying in a bathroom stall at the office?


Unknown said...

Honey, I wish I had some sort of sage advise to give you. Some sort of statement that would make you feel like "Yes this will be okay and yes I will survive this"

I am at a loss, so I will tell you this. Your baby loves you madly, your husband thinks you are amazing. Your friends both real and internet relate to you. You will survive and regardless of what happens we will all love you just the same!


Andi-Roo said...

Thank you for sharing your pain with us. I went through the same thing, more than once unfortunately, a few years ago. Although the heartache is much less acute now that time has passed, I still find something to remind me of the hurt every once in a while. Back when it first happened, the hurt was anguish. Now I find it's a good hurt... because while I don't want to dwell or drown, I also don't want to forget. I hope you can reach a point of "okay" in the near future. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Just Jane said...

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I haven't any sage emotional advice for this but I do have some very practical advice for puffy eyes...

Hemorrhoid cream.

I may not be a beauty queen but my nephew is a drag queen and he swears by it. ;)


Emme Rogers said...

So true. I got hit by this the other day, while out listening to a friend's band of all things. So totally unexpected and I couldn't control it.

Naked Mommy said...

Hey Julia, I wish there was something easy I could recommend to make the hurt go away, but it isn't easy unfortunately. : ( I won't tell you cliche crap to annoy you but just want to send you virtual hugs and hope tomorrow is a better day. Hope the hemmorhoid cream helps the eyes!