Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Was that absolutely necessary?

I like this hotel. It's cheap, it's clean, it's transit accessible, breakfast is free and so is the internet. I have to use a LAN cable though... How quaint! We got a suite, which is not nearly as luxurious as it sounds. It does mean that we can put The Parasite to bed at sundown and do grownup stuff in the other room.

This IS a hotel, so naturally "grownup stuff" means watching pr0n and having sex. Oh, quit clutching your pearls. I've talked openly about The Husband's sperm collection, is this REALLY a surprise? Now I don't love pr0n, not because I feel so sorry for those poor, objectified creatures - most of whom are stupid like a fox - I just don't have much use for it. I'm tactile, visual doesn't do much to float my boat if you know what I mean, and I think you do. However, it makes The Husband happy and a happy husband = a happy wife.

There are things about pr0n that I understand and accept, even if they're ridiculous. Leaving the high heels on? It's meant to shape the legs. Got it. The terrible hair? Well, not everybody gets the A grade payscale, and I can appreciate how difficult it is to keep up with root touch-ups when you've got to film 100+ scenes this month to make rent. Why are the ladies so much hotter than the dudes? Because neither sex is watching straight pr0n for the dudes. If you want to see hot men, you have to watch gay pr0n.

But the spitting? What the fuck is up with the spitting?

Sure in caveman times saliva might have been an appropriate substitute for lube, but we do not live in caveman times! We have vastly superior synthetic substances to keep things from bursting into flames. By the 8th or 10th position change, it's time to bring in some reinforcements. It's OK, take a break. It's not like that was the ONLY take you were going to shoot that day. There's no need to bring a loogie to the party - particularly when you worked so hard to hork that thing up. Mmmmmm, the sound a cat clearing a hairball. Sexy!

I wonder if a sternly worded letter writing campaign would do anything to quell this vile practice? I have difficulty taking myself seriously when thinking about addressing a letter to Dear Mr. Butts,...